I’m never swearing again.
treat me like a college textbook. spend lots of money on me but never touch or look at me
no. treat me like your favorite book. keep me by your side, touch my every page, learn all my twists and turns, remember every word I say, even the ones that make you cry
*4-second-long fart noise*
if i stay in bed i’ll be warm
if i get in the shower i’ll also be warm
but the distance between the bed and the shower
that is not warm
sometimes i wake up with a very urgent thought on my mind and it’s usually pretty dumb like ‘je suis un pomme' or 'root beer fairytales' but this morning i woke up and sat there for a second and all i could think was
the frenchiest fry
I JUST LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN CLASS
don’t get it twisted like i respect bugs for being the best they can be in spite of their specific assigned flesh prisons and their ecological significance but they need to stay the fuck away from me
being a girl is really fucking expensive
hahahahhhAHAHAHAHhahahahahhahahah WHO IS PAYING FOR YOUR DATES
hahahahhhAHAHAHAHhahahahahhahahah WHO IS PAYING FOR OUR TAMPONS, PADS, ULTRA SOUNDS, PAP SMEARS, OB/GYN VISITS, BRAS, CLOTHES, MAKE UP, HAIR PRODUCTS TO GO ON DATES WITH FUCKERS LIKE YOU?
god bless this
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.
you’ve got to be kidding me
I am in physical pain
i will return for the child within one month
this is your warning
Science side of tumblr how do I become a jellyfish
Jellyfish have no brains. You’re already pretty close.